Before Marriage--
"Roses are red
Violets are blue
U luv me
I luv u"
After marriage--
"Roses are dead
I am blue
Don't come near me
Else I will kill u"
Friday, August 31, 2007
California Beach
A man walking along a California beach, was deep in prayer.Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.
"The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,and how I can make a woman truly happy.
"The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.
"The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,and how I can make a woman truly happy.
"The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Birthday Gift
Father asked his three year old daughter"Dear, what do you want for your birthday ?".
Daughter replied"daddy, i want one brother .
Father said"thats not possible so early,It will take some time."
then daughter replied"Ok then call your friends to help you".
Daughter replied"daddy, i want one brother .
Father said"thats not possible so early,It will take some time."
then daughter replied"Ok then call your friends to help you".
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Love
To prove his love for her,he climbed the highest mountain,swam the deepest river and crossed the widest desert.But she left him.Why?
"He was never at home"
"He was never at home"
Idiotic advice
Not feeling well,a woman visited the doctor."you are a new patient,"he said."Have you been to see any of the other doctors?"
The woman replied,"No,but i saw my pharmacist."
"So what idiotic advice did he give you?"sneered the doctor.
"He told me to come and see you",woman said
The woman replied,"No,but i saw my pharmacist."
"So what idiotic advice did he give you?"sneered the doctor.
"He told me to come and see you",woman said
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Hear hear
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,"your hearing is perfect.Your family must be really pleased that u can hear again".
The gentleman replied,"Oh,I haven't told my family yet.I just sit around and listen to the conversations.I have changed my will three times!"
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,"your hearing is perfect.Your family must be really pleased that u can hear again".
The gentleman replied,"Oh,I haven't told my family yet.I just sit around and listen to the conversations.I have changed my will three times!"
High hopes
After trying a new shampoo for the first time,a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.
Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor.Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced:soaps,detergents,toothpaste,and paper items.
"Well,what do you think" his wife asked smiling.
"Next time,"he replied."I am writing to General Motors!"
Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor.Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced:soaps,detergents,toothpaste,and paper items.
"Well,what do you think" his wife asked smiling.
"Next time,"he replied."I am writing to General Motors!"
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Want to know the difference between confident and confidential
Son asked his father"What is the difference between confident and confidential"?
Father replied"You are my son that is confident and your friend is also my son ,that is confidential".
Father replied"You are my son that is confident and your friend is also my son ,that is confidential".
Management story--Important lesson for everyone working
LESSON 1
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to ameeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonderlamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you arethree, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want tobe in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff, and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pfufffff, and he Was also gone.
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office afterlunch at 12.35pm."
*MORAL OF THE STORY IS: “ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST"*
LESSON 2
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."
*LESSON II - NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING.*
LESSON 3
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LAWhen the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what youmean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"Again, the Japanese was confused over his question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you ....Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am Japanese."A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee'am I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
*LESSON III - NEVER INSULT ANYONE.*
LESSON 4
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French,who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genieappeared.Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle,
He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of youA wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you wantthe pool ofWater to become, and then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped andshouted"WINE".The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was soHappy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" andImmersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was socontented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenlyHe steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted,"SHIT!!!!!!!........."
*LESSON IV - THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMESACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN.*Now for the grand final lesson
LESSON 5
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who wasIn charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:
Brain......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.Legs......... I should be in charge because I take the brain where itwants to go.Eyes......... I should be in charge because I let the brain see whereit's going.Asshole.....I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed andstayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any wastewhatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for reliefDay 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terriblyDay 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstableDay 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurredDay 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the bodyDay 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.
*MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINKYOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN CHARGE.*
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to ameeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonderlamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you arethree, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want tobe in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff, and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pfufffff, and he Was also gone.
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office afterlunch at 12.35pm."
*MORAL OF THE STORY IS: “ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST"*
LESSON 2
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."
*LESSON II - NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING.*
LESSON 3
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LAWhen the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what youmean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"Again, the Japanese was confused over his question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you ....Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am Japanese."A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee'am I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
*LESSON III - NEVER INSULT ANYONE.*
LESSON 4
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French,who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genieappeared.Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle,
He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of youA wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you wantthe pool ofWater to become, and then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped andshouted"WINE".The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was soHappy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" andImmersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was socontented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenlyHe steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted,"SHIT!!!!!!!........."
*LESSON IV - THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMESACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN.*Now for the grand final lesson
LESSON 5
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who wasIn charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:
Brain......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.Legs......... I should be in charge because I take the brain where itwants to go.Eyes......... I should be in charge because I let the brain see whereit's going.Asshole.....I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed andstayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any wastewhatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for reliefDay 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terriblyDay 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstableDay 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurredDay 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the bodyDay 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.
*MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINKYOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN CHARGE.*
Father to a Son
"Dad ,May i borrow your car keys?"the young man asked his father."I want to show my classmates that i am driving a $10,000 car."
"Here is $50 cents instead."the father replied."you can boast that you are riding in a $20,000 bus."
"Here is $50 cents instead."the father replied."you can boast that you are riding in a $20,000 bus."
Stand-Up Comedian
The parish priest waded into the evils of cardinal sin and consequent damnation to a packed congregation.After this fire--and --brimstone oratory,he addressed the gathered assembly:"Stand up all those who wish to go to heaven."The whole congregation stood up and then sat down.
"Now ",said the priest,"who wants to go to hell?"After a minute or two,Murphy stood up.Glaring at the misfit,The priest demanded,"Murphy,do you wish to go to hell?"
"No,father,"replied murphy."But i don't like to see you standing up there by yourself."
"Now ",said the priest,"who wants to go to hell?"After a minute or two,Murphy stood up.Glaring at the misfit,The priest demanded,"Murphy,do you wish to go to hell?"
"No,father,"replied murphy."But i don't like to see you standing up there by yourself."
Sexual Harassment
There was a woman whose jobs requires her to attend company training sessions.One day she came home with a memo about an upcoming session and placed it on the refrigerator as a reminder.
After a moment,her son glanced at a note,then looked again as it was written:"8:30a.m. to noon--Sexual Harassment.
After a moment,her son glanced at a note,then looked again as it was written:"8:30a.m. to noon--Sexual Harassment.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
