Funny jokes ,humourous incidents

Chemical Formula

2007-10-01T00:24:00.001+08:00

TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? *DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!*
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!* *

Spelling

2007-10-01T00:23:00.000+08:00

TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L
"TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

Multiplication

2007-10-01T00:22:00.000+08:00

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables! * *

Late for school

2007-10-01T00:21:00.000+08:00

TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

teacher and a student

2007-10-01T00:20:00.000+08:00

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA : Here it is! * *
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?CLASS : Maria!* *

Conversation Between Attorney and Witness

2007-10-01T00:16:00.000+08:00

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, hedoesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty -year -old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to adeposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed ondead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doingan autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check fora pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you beganthe autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive andpracticing law.

What women love

2007-09-23T00:00:00.000+08:00

Women prefer men who have something tender about them - especially legal tender

FAITHFUL OR UNFAITHFUL?

2007-09-22T23:59:00.000+08:00

Three men died and stood in front of God.
God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.
The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a midsize car.
The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.
"What's the matter?"
"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

CHANGES IN MARRIAGE

2007-09-22T23:56:00.000+08:00

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband...... at all times

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked When you are married ....You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplayWhen you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old togetherWhen you are married ....You wonder who will die first

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy"
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area

When you are dating..... He understands if you "aren't in the mood"
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare

When you are dating..... He calls you by name
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She.

ATM password

2007-09-22T01:54:00.000+08:00

A sardar was drawing money from ATM,
The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****). "
The first sardar replies, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! U R wrong, Its 1258"

Disturbance

2007-09-22T01:52:00.000+08:00

Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing Me. I don't know how she got my no, she interrupts whenever I call someone and says "please recharge your card"

sardar and chinese

2007-09-22T01:50:00.002+08:00

Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies.
Sardarji goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last Words. And finds It means "U R STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!"

Divorce

2007-09-22T01:50:00.001+08:00

A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.
Judge asked: How'll U divide your kids, U"VE 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR

Essay

2007-09-22T01:44:00.000+08:00

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji. He wrote
"DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"

What came first

2007-09-21T22:55:00.000+08:00

Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever - What will come first, Chicken or egg?

O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first.

Its Raining

2007-09-21T22:52:00.000+08:00

Sardar to his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It's already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.

Stress

2007-09-09T16:16:00.000+08:00

If you feel stress,have sex
S-sleep

E-eat

X-excercise

Don't think Dirty !!!!!!

sardarji

2007-09-09T16:11:00.000+08:00

One sardar was very tensed because of exams.He was sitting in front of mirror and studying.
Another asked"Sardarji ,why are you studying in front of a mirror"?

Sardarji replied"I am learning as well as revising ,the same time".

God and a Lady

2007-09-08T16:28:00.000+08:00

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.While on the operating table she had a near death experience.Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days tolive."Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as Well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"(You'll love this!!!)

God replied: "I didn't>>recognize you."

Evening Walk

2007-09-08T16:22:00.001+08:00

Why Manmohan singh go for an evening walk?

Because he is a PM not AM

Funny Marriage Quotes

2007-09-06T14:58:00.000+08:00

--I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic Waste

--When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

- After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

--By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

-- A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes

--Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

-- The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?--

--I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

--"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays"

--I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."-

--"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."-

--I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't

--It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

--Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

--Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.

--Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

-- My wife only has 2 complaints. Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.

.-- A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong

--Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

--"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."-

Why ???

2007-09-06T01:01:00.000+08:00

Why Love is Blind?
Because Marriage is an eye-opener...

myLot User Profile

Bill

2007-09-03T15:24:00.000+08:00

A client at a restaurant said:"Waiter ,I think i had too much to drink.Please give me something that will wake me up."

"Yes sir,I will bring your bill immediately."

Difference

2007-09-02T16:39:00.000+08:00

What is the difference between a man jumping from first floor and a man jumping from tenth floor?

A: Former goes (hit) aaaaaaaaa, the later goes aaaaaaaaa (hit)

India and USA

2007-09-01T15:10:00.000+08:00

Democratic difference between India and USA:

"In USA you can kiss at public places but cannot piss"
In India you can piss at public places but cannot kiss"

News

2007-09-01T15:08:00.000+08:00

What is the best and worst news one might hear at the same time?

Its when the wife says:"You have the biggest tool amongst all your friends"!!!

Height of Disappointment

2007-09-01T15:04:00.000+08:00

Height of Disappointment:
A woman finding out that Philips's 21 inch was actually a

T.V.!!!!!

Valentine

2007-09-01T14:58:00.000+08:00

I want you

To be With me

On feb 14

In a nice Restaurant

and say those sweet three words to you

"Pay The Bill"

Marriage

2007-09-01T14:56:00.000+08:00

Boyfriend -I cannot marry you as my family is not allowing me

Girlfriend-Who are there in your family?

Boyfriend-"One Wife and Two Children"

Bomb

2007-09-01T14:53:00.000+08:00

Two sardars were fixing bomb in a car.
Sardar 1:What would we do if bomb explodes,while fixing?

Sardar 2:Don't worry yaar,I have one more!!!!

Dictionary

2007-09-01T14:36:00.000+08:00

Napolean:"In my dictionary there is no word called
"IMPOSSIBLE"
Sardar:No use of yelling now,should have checked ,the time you were buying it.

How love changes?

2007-08-31T15:43:00.000+08:00

Before Marriage--

"Roses are red
Violets are blue
U luv me
I luv u"

After marriage--

"Roses are dead
I am blue
Don't come near me
Else I will kill u"

California Beach

2007-08-31T15:06:00.000+08:00

A man walking along a California beach, was deep in prayer.Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

"The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,and how I can make a woman truly happy.

"The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Birthday Gift

2007-08-31T14:56:00.000+08:00

Father asked his three year old daughter"Dear, what do you want for your birthday ?".
Daughter replied"daddy, i want one brother .
Father said"thats not possible so early,It will take some time."
then daughter replied"Ok then call your friends to help you".

Love

2007-08-23T10:21:00.000+08:00

To prove his love for her,he climbed the highest mountain,swam the deepest river and crossed the widest desert.But she left him.Why?

"He was never at home"

Ghosts conversation

2007-08-23T10:20:00.001+08:00

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?

"Do you believe in people?"

Idiotic advice

2007-08-23T10:18:00.000+08:00

Not feeling well,a woman visited the doctor."you are a new patient,"he said."Have you been to see any of the other doctors?"

The woman replied,"No,but i saw my pharmacist."

"So what idiotic advice did he give you?"sneered the doctor.

"He told me to come and see you",woman said

Hear hear

2007-08-15T15:44:00.001+08:00

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,"your hearing is perfect.Your family must be really pleased that u can hear again".

The gentleman replied,"Oh,I haven't told my family yet.I just sit around and listen to the conversations.I have changed my will three times!"

High hopes

2007-08-15T15:31:00.000+08:00

After trying a new shampoo for the first time,a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor.Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced:soaps,detergents,toothpaste,and paper items.

"Well,what do you think" his wife asked smiling.

"Next time,"he replied."I am writing to General Motors!"

Want to know the difference between confident and confidential

2007-08-14T15:43:00.000+08:00

Son asked his father"What is the difference between confident and confidential"?

Father replied"You are my son that is confident and your friend is also my son ,that is confidential".

Management story--Important lesson for everyone working

2007-08-14T15:41:00.000+08:00

LESSON 1
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to ameeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonderlamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you arethree, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want tobe in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff, and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pfufffff, and he Was also gone.
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office afterlunch at 12.35pm."
*MORAL OF THE STORY IS: “ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST"*
LESSON 2
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."
*LESSON II - NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING.*
LESSON 3
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LAWhen the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what youmean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"Again, the Japanese was confused over his question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you ....Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am Japanese."A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee'am I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
*LESSON III - NEVER INSULT ANYONE.*
LESSON 4
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French,who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genieappeared.Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle,
He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of youA wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you wantthe pool ofWater to become, and then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped andshouted"WINE".The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was soHappy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" andImmersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was socontented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenlyHe steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted,"SHIT!!!!!!!........."
*LESSON IV - THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMESACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN.*Now for the grand final lesson
LESSON 5
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who wasIn charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:
Brain......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.Legs......... I should be in charge because I take the brain where itwants to go.Eyes......... I should be in charge because I let the brain see whereit's going.Asshole.....I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed andstayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any wastewhatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for reliefDay 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terriblyDay 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstableDay 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurredDay 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the bodyDay 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.
*MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINKYOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN CHARGE.*

Father to a Son

2007-08-14T15:37:00.001+08:00

"Dad ,May i borrow your car keys?"the young man asked his father."I want to show my classmates that i am driving a $10,000 car."

"Here is $50 cents instead."the father replied."you can boast that you are riding in a $20,000 bus."

Stand-Up Comedian

2007-08-14T15:36:00.000+08:00

The parish priest waded into the evils of cardinal sin and consequent damnation to a packed congregation.After this fire--and --brimstone oratory,he addressed the gathered assembly:"Stand up all those who wish to go to heaven."The whole congregation stood up and then sat down.
"Now ",said the priest,"who wants to go to hell?"After a minute or two,Murphy stood up.Glaring at the misfit,The priest demanded,"Murphy,do you wish to go to hell?"
"No,father,"replied murphy."But i don't like to see you standing up there by yourself."

Sexual Harassment

2007-08-14T15:35:00.000+08:00

There was a woman whose jobs requires her to attend company training sessions.One day she came home with a memo about an upcoming session and placed it on the refrigerator as a reminder.
After a moment,her son glanced at a note,then looked again as it was written:"8:30a.m. to noon--Sexual Harassment.